I was unhappy to see, when I woke up this morning, that the sciatic pain was back in my hip and down my left leg. Not as terrible as it has been, but also not gone as it was for the last two days. I still don’t know when or how I will be free of this. I sat down with my tenderly brewed cappuccino, and picked up Great Swan. I paused before opening it, and decided to bow to Ramakrishna before proceeding. As I closed my eyes, and lowered my head, I asked myself, “How, where, in what form shall I find him, and how shall I address him?”
Remembering what Guru Ram Das told me, the first time he blessed me with a vision of himself, when I understood him to say that he has merged with one; that the one can manifest in any form, and, when I call on him, Guru Ram Das, the one can choose to manifest to me in that form. So then, in what form would I find Ramakrishna? In some divine manifestation of Dakshineswar, surrounded by Mahendra, Rakhal, Narendra (who became Vivekananda), and the rest of his companions.
I saw him then (I see him now), and bowed. I know that when he was in his body, he did not have any non-Indians (as far as I know) come to see him. Now, there must be many, and especially Les Hixon, that great man, who seem to reach liberation in five different spiritual practices, while appreciating the uniqueness of each and the commonality of all. I am humbled to follow in his footsteps. I addressed Ramakrishna – knowing that if you were to ask him for a blessing, he would respond by saying something like, “I am only a pillowcase, you must go to Kali-ma for your blessings.” “I said, “I have heard that you cannot stand the touch of an impure person. I have my imperfections and have accepted myself as imperfect. O beloved child of Kali-ma, I thank the Mother for bringing me into your presence, and humbly request that she permit me to receive the flow of her energy through your touch.” I felt his touch and began to soar, and somehow found myself checking in with Guru Ram Das, and asking him if it is alright, for me to be asking and receiving a blessing from Ramakrishna. And felt his loving reply, “I already showed you that we are the same, different aspects of the Divine.”
After a while, I opened my eyes, and bathed in a chapter of Great Swan, which I followed with my morning chanting, feeling grateful. When I got up, the pain was there again, but it is only pain, and not so strong as it was for a while, when it brought suffering and the diminution of my consciousness. I have not been doing my usual morning physical exercises for a while, as it seems that no matter how gently I do them, the pain gets worse. I have by now seen, chiropractors, acupuncturists, an orthopedic surgeon, an osteopath, massage therapists, and physical therapists. The pain was actually caused by the first round of physical therapists, as they triggered the sciatic pain (almost said “my” sciatic pain, but I do not want to own it) by pushing too hard and going to deep. Have had an X-ray, and MRIs of my hips and my lower back. Some lines from a Jimmy Hendrix song comes to mind: “there must be some way out of here.” I am open to it manifesting.